Interview with Elmo Monster

Bert is Evil !

**he following is an interview with Elmo, the cutest alleged heroin and cocaine addict. Some scenes deemed explicit by the editor have been cut out, but still remains graphic. Reader’s discretion is again stressed. This interview was sent in by some guy named [Azazael]( **

Interviewer: So Elmo, how long have you lived on Sesame Street? Elmo: I guess it been about 8 years now. Im the newest one here. Interviewer: What was it like when you first moved here? Elmo: Oh, it was really nice! Everyone was so nice to me! It was like a dream! Then I met Bert… Interviewer: Yes? Elmo: yes. Interviewer: Um, yeah? Elmo: Uh, huh. Interviewer: What happened when you met Bert? Elmo: Oh, sorry. Ive been having trouble staying focused lately (this was later attributed to Elmos drug abuse) Well, everyone has been telling meto stay away from him. I thought they were kidding. But– Interviewer: They werent. Elmo: Not at all! When we first met, he pretended to be my friend. He showed me around. Then he started to do mean things. Interviewer: Like what? Elmo: One thing he liked to do was make “special cookies” for Cookie Monster. Cookie ate one during a taping, his eyes got all googly and he went berserk, shoving cookies into his mouth. Bert laughed the whole time. Said he did it alot. Interviewer: Thats horrible! What did you do? Elmo: Nothing really. I just thought it was a dumb joke. Then came the party. Interviewer:Party? Elmo: Yeah, my welcoming party. Bert started drinking and he —-cut—- Interviewer: Dear God!! Elmo: Yeah. Right there in front of everybody. After that, I tried to keep my distance from him. Interviewer: Did it work? Elmo: Not really. For a month or so he still pestered me help him in his pranks. One time he dragged me along and told Forgetful Jones that Clamentine [his wife] had died. It was awful. Poor Mr. Jones was in tears. After about five minutes, he’d forget and Bert would do it again. This went on for hours. Interviewer: So what finally happened? Elmo: I told Bert I didnt want to be his friend anymore. He stayed pretty calm, looked my right in the eye and said “—-cut—-“ I just wanted to throw up. Interviewer: Elmo, youre a very brave little puppet for doing this interview. I wish you luck.

For some reason, this interview never made it to the papers. I attempted to track down the interviewer to ask him why, only to discover that he’d vanished a mere three days after the interview took place. Coincidence?