Interviewer: So Elmo, how long have you lived on Sesame Street?
Elmo: I guess it been about 8 years now. Im the newest one here.
Interviewer: What was it like when you first moved here?
Elmo: Oh, it was really nice! Everyone was so nice to me! It was like a dream! Then I met Bert...
Interviewer: Yes?
Elmo: yes.
Interviewer: Um, yeah?
Elmo: Uh, huh.
Interviewer: What happened when you met Bert?
Elmo: Oh, sorry. Ive been having trouble staying focused lately (this was later attributed to Elmos drug abuse) Well, everyone has been telling meto stay away from him. I thought they were kidding. But–
Interviewer: They werent.
Elmo: Not at all! When we first met, he pretended to be my friend. He showed me around. Then he started to do mean things.
Interviewer: Like what?
Elmo: One thing he liked to do was make "special cookies" for Cookie Monster. Cookie ate one during a taping, his eyes got all googly and he went berserk, shoving cookies into his mouth. Bert laughed the whole time. Said he did it alot.
Interviewer: Thats horrible! What did you do?
Elmo: Nothing really. I just thought it was a dumb joke. Then came the party.
Interviewer: Party? Elmo: Yeah, my welcoming party. Bert started drinking and he -—cut-—
Interviewer: Dear God!!
Elmo: Yeah. Right there in front of everybody. After that, I tried to keep my distance from him.
Interviewer: Did it work?
Elmo: Not really. For a month or so he still pestered me help him in his pranks. One time he dragged me along and told Forgetful Jones that Clamentine [his wife] had died. It was awful. Poor Mr. Jones was in tears. After about five minutes, he'd forget and Bert would do it again. This went on for hours.
Interviewer: So what finally happened?
Elmo: I told Bert I didnt want to be his friend anymore. He stayed pretty calm, looked my right in the eye and said "-—cut-—" I just wanted to throw up.
Interviewer: Elmo, youre a very brave little puppet for doing this interview. I wish you luck.
For some reason, this interview never made it to the papers. I attempted to track down the interviewer to ask him why, only to discover that he'd vanished a mere three days after the interview took place. Coincidence?
Maybe.
