Boundaries are better thought of as "school rules", they are a list of things that are important to you, and just like at school, there will be consequences if people are they cross the boundaries that you have created.
The following points are important to remember when setting your boundaries:
- Anger, rage, complaining and feeling threatened, suffocated or victimised
can offer valuable clues about boundaries you may need to set. - You cannot simultaneously set a limit with someone and also take care of their
feelings; they may feel hurt, angry or disappointed, which is not your problem. - Boundaries sound like this: "If you..." (for example, don't pay the rent on time) "...then I…" (for example, will ask you to move out). Keep it short and simple.
- When you begin to set boundaries, you may feel ashamed and afraid.
- You will set boundaries when you are ready and not a minute.
- You are allowed to say, for example, "Don't vent your anger on me, I won't
have it" and "I won't let you disrespect me. If you can't respect me. Then stay
away." Mothers behave with disrespect, you have the right to tell them so, to ask them to stop and to avoid them in the future if they choose to. - Nobody can demand to know your mind or your business; what you share
with others about matters that concern you are determined by what feels
to you - not what they want. - Nobody has the right to tell you what to think, feel or do; you have a right
to your own thoughts, feelings, values and beliefs. - You don't have to be "nice" to people who aren't nice to.
- You have a need and a right to love, respect and stand up for.
- You have a right to be who you are and to live your own life harmlessly
regardless of whether others don't like. - You don't have to feel guilty for not behaving as others might want you to,
or for not giving others what they expect of. - You have a right to your imperfections and shortcomings; you don't have
to feel guilty for not being. - You are completely acceptable just as you are right at this moment with
whatever sensations, thoughts and feelings you are experiencing.
