Control
- Possessiveness and jealousy: "I stopped talking to everyone I cared about because she was so jealous"
- Aggression or violence: "I constantly felt afraid, manipulated, and controlled by his threats, outbursts and mood swings"
- Put-downs and manipulation: "She would tell me that if only I was more fun, or thinner, or more affectionate in public — then she could commit to me"
- Sexual demands: "If I didn't have sex when he wanted it, he'd threaten to leave me to find someone better"
"I was too ashamed to tell anyone, and I blamed myself"
Do you feel?
- scared to disagree or to say no?
- constantly criticised and blamed?
- your partner always checks up on you, follows you, or harasses you with calls, texts or emails?
- your partner tries to control what you do and who you see?
- made to do sexual things you don't want to do?
- afraid of being attacked and injured by your partner?
- kept away from your friends, family or children?
- trapped because your partner has threatened t o self-harm or commit suicide if you leave?
- your partner is taking advantage of what they see as your weakness or disability?
- your partner tries to control your money or doesn't share money?
- Worried because your partner has threatened to 'out' you?
Is it my fault?
Even though your partner might attempt to blame you for how they act, it's not your fault. No matter what you do, a partner shouldn't hurt you or make you feel bad about yourself. We all get stressed, upset or jealous — but we don't have to take our feelings out on other people. Trust your feelings and remember that you don't deserve to be abused. The effects of abuse are serious, so it's important to get help.
What Can I Do?
If you're worried, you could:
- Tell friends you trust. Friends can help by listening and supporting you to stay safe
- Contact a support service. They can listen, provide support and help you work out how to stay safe.
- Plan where you can go and who you will call if you feel afraid of your partner, keep important items together in a safe place in case you have to leave — such as money, keys, bank cards and important documents.
- Call the police if you are in danger, or have been physically or sexually assaulted, stalked or harassed. The police can charge the person with a criminal offence.
- Apply for a Family Violence Intervention Order, This is a court order aimed at protecting you from abuse or violence. The order places conditions on the abusive person — for example, that they can't come near you, or can't abuse you again. It's a criminal offence to disobey the order.
Frequently Asked Questions
But she doesn't hit me. Is i t still domestic violence?
Yes. Domestic violence is any abusive behaviour by a partner, an ex, or a family member, that makes you feel controlled or afraid. It doesn't have to be physical. It can be emotional, psychological, or financial abuse, or other threatening or coercive behaviour. This includes being threatened with being outed against your wishes.
Doesn't domestic violence only happen in straight relationships, where a man is the abuser?
No. Domestic violence can happen in any relationship, whether you're straight or gay, lesbian, bi or trans. Nearly one in three LGBT people have experienced abuse from their partner.
Can I contact a mainstream domestic violence service for help?
Yes, all outreach services provide confidential and non-judgmental advice
and support. You don't have to be out, or to come out to get help.
Can a lesbian stay i n a refuge if she needs a safe place to stay?
Yes. Refuges are open to all women. Adult males can't go into a women's refuge
