My mood for the last couple of days has not been fantastic, so who knows how well this will be, but I have decided that it is time to attempt to quit smoking. The not quitting part will be easy, I have done it multiple times before, but I fear that the depression and negative self-talk will be a lot harder.
I have been sitting with the negative self-talk all day, the usual shit:
- I am not a good father
- I waste 1/2 the day sleeping
- I don’t know why the girls would want to spend time with me
- It would be better if I were dead
Some days are better than others, but I fear that there is nothing that can be done about the depression, I have asked Dr. Davis about it multiple times, and I think that he thinks that I am making it. up. I feel useless and not in control of myself multiple times a day.
Somedays, the anxiety is crippling, but if I mention it, it will either be glossed over again. Or I am trying to get something for PRN that is not required. I wish I could advocate better for myself, but when I try, the words just don’t come out. That is what you get for being autistic as fuck.
Tonight is the night that I lose an hour of sleep, as daylight savings starts tonight. I have been waiting for this to happen, as there will be additional daylight at the end of the day, making it easier to get things done around the yard in the afternoon after work.