There are a few things that I have never been good at, no matter how hard I try.
- One of those is dealing with conflict, especially with my life partners. This has usually ended up with them walking all over me, and then when they crushed me under their heel, they broke up with me.
- I never know if a relationship is actually working for both parties. I think that everything is going along swimmingly, but BAM all of a sudden they have decided that they have had enough and want to leave. I have always been left in the dark with what went on and the best I got from my marriage was "maybe if you remembered to take the bins out".
- I am shit at spelling and grammar, so that is why you should use today's sponsor Grammerly. The reason that this blog makes the amount of sense that it does is because I have used it to tweak the living shit out of it
Humaning, masking myself and pretending I am part of the ordinary people is my weakest attribute. I am unable to read people, so end up not trusting those that should be trusted and then trusting those that should not be trusted. This leads me to be taken advantage of financially, personally, time-wise, or mentally. It also leads me to hurt those that I should trust .
Today was a long day, and it is still going. Emma started her new job this week, and she is loving it. She has automated machines to play with and tests to run on every human tissue and fluid that you can think of. She has been coming home wrecked but semi happy.
That is, until today. When she came home, she threw a letter at me from the council, stating that the land rates for the last quarter had still not been paid. This is despite me giving her the bill when we received it, saying that we have to pay this month, and asking her if she had paid it the following two months.
One of my primary triggers is bills and not having the money to pay them, or owing people money that I should have already paid. I thought I did well to manage my triggers, and when she said that she had not paid them. I don't think that I lashed out, I took a deep breath to remain calm and collected, and then she lost it.
I was promptly told that I was angry at her, had shit thrown, and then she went into the bedroom and wouldn't talk to me. The thing was, I wasn't angry, cross or mad. I understand that the ADHD has been undermedicated with her; if I was anything, I was frustrated. After a little while, once she had calmed down, I was going to go in and talk to her, but when I went in, she was asleep.
I wanted to reach out to her, and try and make her feel safe, and I wasn't able to do it. As I said, conflict and me do not get on, and it involves me running away if I am lucky, but most times I just freeze.
I finally managed to get the courage to go into the bedroom to wake her and have a talk, but obviously, I am that much in the dog house that she has gone to sleep in Isabelle's bed. I don't know if she has taken her meds, so now I have to go and wake her up to find out. I don't want to because it is not 1am, and I am not wanting to be yelled at again.
But if she hasn't taken her meds, she will be all over the place tomorrow, which will be something else that will be my fault. But the likelihood of me getting anything close to sense out of her at this time of the night is also minimal
